Call It An Autobiography

Simply put, I am an anonymous 21-year-old blogger, who is so curious about this world that I felt the need to share all my thoughts and feelings online. I entertain myself with blogging, hiking, coloring, working, discovering new fashion trends, and just about anything that soothes my soul (this list never ends). Some would even say I am boring or too eccentric, but my boredom and eccentric attitude are what have landed me on this page. I have made this blog, because, as Jonah Hill once said in 21 Jump Street, “this is my temple. This is where I come to find peace.”

Now that you know some surface level details about my life, I also would like to say that I live in Boulder, Colorado, attending the University of Boulder, Colorado, pursuing a double degree in Advertising and Psychology. I am a locally grown native of Boulder, Colorado and have yet to get sick of the beautiful views of the Flatirons.

Normal, eccentric, friendly, crazy, and bored are all words I use to describe myself. I will go a little bit deeper and disclose my deepest, darkest secret…I have been diagnosed with six types of ADD, ADHD, OCD, social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. My diagnoses generally turn people off, as they often complain that they are scared of me, scared to trigger or enable me, or treat me differently than they normally would if I had not been diagnosed.

Though I have been labeled with these diagnoses, I do not want to hide the gifts or hide the unique biochemical makeup of my efficiently functioning brain. Though many individuals, including society, have stigmatized my “mental illnesses,” I’ve decided to not let this hold me back.

With that said, I embrace life. Perspective is the key to success, and one of the best ways I cope with my anxiety. Society spends so much time masking and shunning those who are considered “disabled,” when in fact, these labels are not disabilities, rather they are powerful abilities that I have been blessed with. Stigmas are the world’s Miracle Whip (no one really likes it).

My life can be difficult at times, but happiness is not hard to come by for me. In fact, I choose happiness; I do not look for it or try to locate it. The happiest times and the most memorable times are the times in which I’ve practiced mindfulness and perseverance.

At times, my gifts have served as a disadvantage for me, as it has been used against me time-and-time again. Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unforunate Events could be viewed as an actual representation of my life, as it is a constant trainwreck, where I am always adjusting to change. My life may mirror A Series Of Unfortunate Events; society even foresees that my life will be an eternal train wreck, but I beg to differ.

Despite all these stigmas and roller coaster rides, I have decided to make a blog, in order to let people in and show how normal those who have been diagnosed are.

Things that are important to me are as substantial as non-materialistic items, such as family, positive, meaningful friends, pizza, art, nature, photography, making memories, practicing kindness and patience, and the small surprises that life throws my way.

It has been a hard journey to find comfortability and love within myself. I am not talking about just spreading love to others, just like you spread peanut butter and jelly on bread, I am talking about finding self-love. This blog marks the day that I have decided to let everyone know how much self-love was hard to come by and that I finally love myself. I love every single gift, every single “flaw,” even though I hate the word “flaw,” and fragment of myself.

Every day that I choose life, I am also choosing to beat the statistics. In fact, on average 98% of PTSD patients commit suicide. This statistic is a very important statistic for me, because it proves that anything is truly possible if you set your mind to it, this even includes self-love.

Self-love is never taught in school, though I personally believe it should be. Celebrations, including celebrating life and yourself, are not held frequently enough, especially in our society. Society has become toxic, constantly thriving off of the failures of others. We are all human, however, and deserve to celebrate ourselves, because we are all connected in one way or another.

I love humans, I love meeting new people, I love making new friends, and I thoroughly enjoy getting to know everyone. I also love celebrating people and their successes, especially in a society where we constantly forget to pat ourselves on our back, let along acknowledge one another.

The reason I love talking and meeting people is because we can all learn something from every human being we encounter in our lives. Whether the human is toxic or a positive force in your life, every human being has something substantial to offer and has good qualities. If you just look hard enough, you will realize how much good there is in the world and in every single human being. Though you may clash with many individuals in your life and you may have some hate left for certain people in your heart, no human is truly bad to the bone.

Seeing the world in just black-and-white, just as good vs. bad, is a clouded, and distorted way to view your life. You miss out on opportunities to forgive, opportunities to make more memories, expand your horizons, and most importantly, miss out on truly finding love within yourself and finding love with others. It is always easy to blame others for your own faults, trauma, anxiety, etc., however, humans shape the world and make the world go round.

When you break it down, every single human being is molecularly and genetically unique from one another, this includes personality as well. I believe it is important to encounter every single human, including yourself, in order to truly live a life filled with love and passion.

Getting to where I am today was difficult, and full of many bumps in the road, as I still continue to struggle to be a better version of myself every day. I had to spend over 21 years dating myself, encountering people who I altercated with, finding hobbies, becoming self-aware, and becoming self-motivated.

As a child, I was enrolled in a Montessori school, where I learned the importance of kindness, respect, independence, celebration, schedules, having hobbies, and learning to be an inclusive human being, who should get to know everyone. Most importantly, I was taught the importance of kindness, how to be kind, to always forgive those around you that may have made a mistake, and to celebrate everyone’s uniqueness. I also learned how much I love art, how much I love to travel, and how much I still practice these lessons I learned to this day.

I am no longer discouraged by societal norms, as I found that basing my self-love on what others think of me more toxic than ocean water after an oil spill. Every day I live is another day that I can better myself, smile more, laugh more, and make more memories. It has become essential for me to take a moment out of every day to realize and count all my blessings, and to realize how rare the gift of happiness is. Taking a minute every day has allowed for me to realize that every day is, and should be, a blessing and celebration, full of surprises. Every day is full of presents for me, and I have realized that the more that you look for and acknowledge the simple, synchronistic, and beautiful things in life, the more life will gift them to you.

I face fear every day, however, my fear used to be based on what others thought about me. Now, I face more rational substantial fears, involving how much more I can challenge myself to make my day better, whether or not I am budgeting enough, whether or not I should call in sick to work, what I want to wear today, or whether or not I should even finish college.

I strive to be the most raw, real, and resourceful human being to those around me. My curiosity for the world is what combats my six types of ADD, ADHD, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety, and PTSD. All of those words put into one sentence brings fear to not only me, but to my team of therapists. I, unfortunately, am asked on a daily basis how I am able to wake up every morning and simply just live. This question is mind boggling, because living can be as simple as just breathing and opening your eyes. To me, when you break everything down, life is the simplest gift that has graced my presence. I choose to live, because I am afraid of not living.

The definition of life is very interchangable. Personally, “living” involves daily adventures with myself or my friends, engaging in constructive behavior, going to work, being responsible, passing on kindness, and being a support system for someone else.

The only fear I face is the fear that my mental diagnoses will be used as a hindrance towards my success, or may stop me from living a “normal” life. I can not say my life is not difficult and/or hard at times, because it truly is hard to live with my unique biochemical makeup. In fact, it took me years to figure out how to live with such an active mind and how to manage my stress when I truly do have more issues than Vogue.

Instead of hiding in the dark, I’ve finally decided to test my own courage by releasing my biggest secrets to the public. It’s not quite opposite day, and I can not take this blog post back, just like I can not take back my mental diagnoses. These labels no longer define me, but are used as tools to my advantage.

My life motto is, “life is life, you have got to face reality.” You can not choose the cards life hands you, but you can take the cards life hands and try to find solutions to make it better. Trying is better than never trying at all, as “what if?” is a constant question that runs through my brain. Choose life and give me a chance to let you into my complicated, distorted, adventurous world.

~Always remember that no one, but yourself, defines you. No one but yourself can dictate your happines!s ~

~Even if your cheerios get peed on in the morning, eat it well and eat it all! ~

xo,

Aichan Tewahade

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