February 2018 – what a month for me! It was filled with much more stability and much more routine than the month of January, making it less exciting from time to time.
While it was full of much more stability and synchronised aspects, there were a handful of ups-and-downs, just like every other month. Amidst the stability, I came across a few obligations that I had pushed aside and procrastinated. However, instead of just completing the responsibilities I was supposed to carry out, I continued to set these obligations aside.
The stress of not addressing certain matters that needed to be addressed took a toll on me and my overall mood, as I engaged in binge-eating habits, a.k.a. stress eating, and did the minimal amount of work each day, pretending to be alright, when I was actually shaking inside. Not to mention, I became somewhat snappy, lacked patience, became lazy and negligent, and became a somewhat negative person.
I continued to stress-eat and ignore physical activity all-together, which had me beating myself up. I set aside my blogging responsibilities and just began ignoring my duties until the final moment possible.
I am human, but all these problems and stress I created for myself unnecessarily were all things I could have avoided, if only I did not let myself fall into a routine of lazy work-ethic and excuses.
This habit of procrastinating and “gliding by” has been a habit I have been attempting to kick since ‘nam. While I have been getting better at “just doing it,” I have allowed myself to fall back into the routine of it every once in a while. I am a generally motivated, focused, and critical of my own faults, so in order to avoid the disappointment that fills my entire body when I procrastinate, I attempt to complete these things before I avert my focus on other things in my life.
This month, while I would not consider it a complete mess, reminded me that I am not perfect and I must continue to work on these “flaws” that I thought would not ever be a problem. These “flaws,” or underlying traits that make us human, will always follow us until we reach our grave and are always things that you should constantly be working on, in order to continue growing.
Sometimes, I disregard these traits as potential problems, as I feel like I have gotten to know myself fairly well. I choose to ignore and not address these fatal flaws, not because I do not know that they exist, but simply because I am not particularly proud of them.
Being my own self-critic served to be the biggest roadblock of this month. Just because you put your best foot forward every day does not mean that you will not have days that you are not proud of, where you may have not been the best version of yourself. The problem that I continue to realize about myself is that I critic myself particularly hard, as a result of holding myself to a high standard. While this a great trait, I have been told, and have recognized, that I am a very harsh critic, to the point where I begin even doubting my own self-worth. Instead of allowing love in, or being a little kinder to myself, I allow myself to pick myself apart, taking jabs at every small mistake I have made, recently or in the past. This kind of thinking can serve to be detrimental when it begins consuming your thoughts, and you begin allowing it to degrade your self-worth. Once it begins consuming your thoughts, it begins to be the only thing that you think about. Not to mention, it is not a healthy way to go about living your life, as we make mistakes every day. It can lead to a very negative way of thinking. I almost forgot to congratulate myself for the successes of the month, by continuing to focus on my failures.
It was a bit humbling to be reminded that I still do have a lot to work to do on myself, that I will never be perfect, no matter how hard I try, and that making positive changes begins with myself and taking initiative.
I am not particularly proud of myself this month, as it was full of more “failures,” or human moments, than successes. The successes I did have this month are substantial, nonetheless. While I did not accomplish as much as I set out to accomplish, I still have the opportunities to correct these mistakes, in the future, which is not an opportunity every one is able to come across. I still have my long-term goals in mind, which I need to continue to remind myself are the priorities of my year. The joy of accomplishing these goals and overcoming these adversities brings much more fulfillment than ignoring your responsibilities, which only leaves you upset, angry, and full of more excuses.
These days, I have found myself leaning on peers, family, and friends more than usual, which has also made me ultimately fealt vulnerable. This is a healthy behavior, and I have found that people have more faith in me than I even can recognize. While I have spent the entire month beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself, I have found that outside influences have provided me with the strength, joy, and power to stay motivated and focused. I consider myself a somewhat independent person, or I strive to be, so when life calls for me to reach out for help, I tend to look down on myself instead of enjoying what others have brought to the table.
I have learned a lot about myself, or re-learned a lot about myself this month.
- I am accountable for my own actions – with every irresponsible decision comes consequence, which one should anticipate
- In order to correct the decision, you must take action
- The sooner that you take action, the less the decision will weigh on your life
- You are allowed to sulk and wallow in your fears and sorrows, but learn to get over your mistakes quickly
- You are only allowed to complain about it for a little before you and your peers get annoyed
- Most mistakes have easy corrections
- But, you have to be willing to take action to fix these mistakes
- No one else will do it for you
- Make time to make these corrections
- It is okay to ask for help
- But, do not displace your stress and guilt on the other person
- Do not waste their time, efforts and energy
- Taking advantage of people and their company will only land you in more hot water
- Follow through
- Or, deal with the consequences
- Stay positive, motivated, and do not bring others around you down
I hope that March brings more promise and successes for me, as I continue to learn the ins-and-outs of my own personality and essence.