Life Hack #28 – Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall, Will I Ever Have A Spouse At All?

“Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall, Will I Ever Have A Spouse At All?”

Both, ladies and gentleman, this is the lifelong, eternal question that haunts individuals of all ages and genders, including those who may already have a spouse. This is one question that tends to infiltrate the minds of all individuals, as marriage, or at least having a significant other, or being in an active relationship, is an aspect of life that all cultures tend to regard as something of high-priority.

For some reason, across many, if not all, marriage has become regarded as an aspect of life that cultures have regarded as essential in sealing the fate of living a full, storybook, fufilling, and happpy life. In fact, not being married, among many cultures (as I do not want to generalize), is considered abnormal and is in some cultures frowned upon.

Across a wide variety of cultures, marriage has become a standard practice that individuals feel as though they must engage in, due to societal pressures. Whether one’s reasons behind marriage, include societal pressures, misconceptions that unmarried people will live unhappy lives, planned marriages, or just the prominence of marriage within a society, marriage, or finding a life partner, or being in a relationship with someone, are notions that constantly haunt the minds of all individuals.

With that said, word on the street is that marriage is wonderful and extremely fufilling. Many say that it is also very fun and that it is an incredible experience to be able to spend, what seems like an entire lifetime, with a single individual, sharing a lifetime of unforgettable memories, whether they be good or bad. The idea about being in a relationship, or sharing parts of your life with a special someone else, can be equally as terrifying as it is exciting.

The part about letting someone into your world that is terrifying is the fear that once someone truly gets to know you and sees who you are behind closed doors, open doors, slightly open doors, locked doors, or unlocked doors, that you may face rejection. These so-called “flaws,” or aspects of our vulnerable self that we exhibit in many different elements, that will appear in time, may end up resulting in a relationship, or a commitment to someone, disappating.

To a certain extent, every human hides certain characteristics that they may not be proud of, that they may not understand, or that you simply may not be aware of at first glance. These “flaws,” or fundamentally unique facets of other’s personalities, tend to appear after a length of time, often after an individual begins feeling comfortable. While we all attempt to hide these aspects of ourselves that may give strangers, or simply others, a reason to question, pick at, or poke fun at, for as long as we can. Unfortunately, maintaining a facad forever, without showing any signs of vulnerability, including emotional, physical or mental aspects of vulnerability, is simply impossible. In time, you will end up slipping up, or slipping out or your clothing, and you will end up feeling naked and afraid.

The part about love, marriage, falling in love, getting in a relationship, developing a crush, or even showing interest in someone, that is extremely exciting is the idea that you have a support, unless this relationship is completely toxic and abusive, or at least someone to lean on, to hang out with, and to share memories with. It is a very exciting feeling when two individuals are able to come together, no matter how long the relationship carries on, and engage in being vulnerable with one specific person. It feels incredible, because you feel as though your relationship with this person is completely unique and seperate. It also allows you to get to understand, love, and divulge into someone’s life, as you get to be apart of something even more special. The times you share together always seems special, especially when the love is there. It is crazy that in some sense their world also becomes yours, as you feel each other’s emotions and become apart of each other’s lives. The relationship that you share with each other is obviously different than the relationships individual’s share with their close friends, family, pets, best friends, coworkers, etc., as you begin sharing intimate parts of your life with each other. It is just a truly wonderful feeling to know that, regardless of the circumstances, the way the relationship may or may not end, etc., that there is someone, who you are able to share your world with, be yourself around, spend infinite amounts of time together, and make everlasting memories with, that is standing by your side. When you are feeling lonely, sad, or just plain struggling, it can be extremely comforting to know that you have a special someone who is willing to help you out, who loves you, and who wants the best for you.

Becoming intimate and integrating your world with someone is extremely terrifying for me. While the idea of having a relationship and being able to share the world with someone sounds amazing and is something I idealize, this idea also truly scares me and my fear of letting someone in, all while being completely vulnerable, has led to many failed relationships. I am the queen of “almost relationships,” as I have always claimed to be anti-relationship. “I DO NOT WANT TO BE TIED DOWN,” I claim. “I need all the freedom in the world.” Some other excuses include, “what is the point if I am not marrying them?” Or, maybe try, “I do not want to get hurt, because that is a waste of time.”

I have a million excuses and then some more. I claim to be realistic about relationships, when in fact, I am just a little insecure about showing my raw, most genuine self to others. Showing my raw, most genuine self means that others may see, view, criticize, or judge me, the way that I choose to look at myself. I do not have poor self-esteem, per-say. However, I am a severely hard critic on myself, and as a result of me prioritizing my everlasting need to be the best version of myself as much as possible every day, I am afraid, judgemental scared, and insecure about myself when I am not at my best self. This overwhelming need to outwardly and inwardly be my best self is a great “flaw” that I am grateful for, as it assists in keeping me focused on always growing, improving, and to prioritize self-reflection, however, the severity of my irrational fear to allow others to experience facets of myself that I am not even comfortable with, nor do I enjoy witnessing or showcasing, often holds me back from truly allowing someone to get to know me a little deeper. Instead of pulling someone closer, or inviting them inside my reality and existence, I have a consistent track record of finding ways to successfully drive potential personnel’s of interests away by engaging in emotionally immature, or self-destructive, or simply just reckless behavior, in the hopes that these horrible defense mechanisms will push them away. Not only does it end up hurting myself and the other party, but I am often left with a heck of a lot of embarrassing stories, a lot of people who are either unhappy, worried, ashamed, disappointed, and confused by my behavior.

My behavior often varies, as I begin inching away. Sometimes, I will turn to going out with my friends constantly in order to distract myself from the other individual. My favorite behavior to send boys running for the hills is to go out of my way to showcase my ability to be a “party animal,” making reckless decisions and trying to showcase the idea that I am “insane,” “untameable,” and “not girlfriend material.” While I do an excellent job posing as a young adult whose full-time profession is to party, I am actually far from being an “insane party animal,” though in my younger years I could say that I excelled in that area of expertise. Other ways to push individuals away include overbooking my schedule, by getting as many jobs as possible, finding as many hobbies as I can, or basically avoiding them by filling my days with non-stop work and responsiblities, so I can make it seem as though I do not have time for them. One last great way to prevent yourself from ever “settling down,” or being apart of a relationship, is to always “go for” the individuals who are unavailable, whether it be emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, or even as a result of distance. This last tactic is a great way to trick yourself into thinking that what you are pursuing is indeed exciting and fun, however, it gaurantees no need for permanent emotional attachment, or what others would say, any permanent commitment.

This includes myself. I often cringe at all the opportunities in which I held myself back from an opportunity to share a real connection with someone. Sometimes, I wonder if I repel boys, just like mosquito repelent repels boys. I mean I still run around saying that boys have cooties. If they truly have cooties, however, I would like nothing to do with the male race, especially when it comes to dating. I am a HUGE germaphobe and I do not want to contract them.

This fear of not wanting to get hurt, not wanting to get intimate with someone if it will result in pain, heartbreak, or sadness, or not wanting to get involved if this relationship is not going to last forever, are all fears that we all face, whether or not we realize it. For some this fear may not be as relevant, or may not be as severe as some others fears of intimacy, however, the fear will always be there for both parties and all individuals.

A relationship ending or coming to a close, even if it is civil, sucks for everyone, including the person who broke off the relationship. For starters, post-relationship is quite difficult, as you have a lot to adjust to as you begin navigating the world without your partner in crime. A relationship ending brings up emotions that can be correlated with rejection, which always hurts. Not one human being can ever say that being rejected feels good, which is similar to what the end of a relationship feels like. It is not easy to feel these emotions, all while learning to let go of a part of you and re-learning to live again. Often, those in relationships, while this may be general, spend a handful of time with each other and often form routines, hobbies, etc. without even consciously acknowledging these things. It is hard to tell whether letting someone into your life is less painful than letting someone out of your life.

While relationships are often sought after in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, this person could be the “one.” The “one” is the presumable spouse that you will marry, as a result of undying love, undying appreciation, undying support, and undying will to fight for one another and argue with each other. This one person is the one person that, once you tie the knot with, you plan on spending the rest of your life with, through the thick and thin, and through sickness and through health.

As we begin growing older, the question of whether spousehood is in your future seemingly becomes more and more apparent, as we begin witnessing those around us, peers and strangers, tieing the knot, or even shooting out babies from the sky. Do not let the pressure of others actions begin to affect your happiness, well-being and inner peace.

According to a random fact I read on Twitter a few years ago, around 75% of 16-year-olds have already met the person that they are going to marry. I am not quite sure that I believe the statistics behind this study, however, the pressure to find your lawfully wedded husband or wife has certainly become a prominent value within many cultures and societies. I, myself, even find myself wondering for hours on end whether or not marriage is in the picture for me, let alone if I will ever be able to experience a relationship so profound that I am willing to set aside my fear of letting my fears, guards, insecurities, and flaws out in the open for a special individual. This is a scary thought for me, because I am very flawed. While my intentions are often good and come from a good place, the actions and behaviors I engage in from time-to-time are often misunderstood, frowned upon, and sometimes I go too far. For someone to have to see me at my worst frightens me for that person, not as much for myself, as I have witnessed myself not at my best many times. While I may know and be familiar with these behaviors, or flaws, these flaws and behaviors that I try so hard to hide from the world are completely unfamiliar to that special someone, as your flaws, behaviors, and insecurities may cause them to become frustrated with you, may cause a fight, or may result in the end of a relationship, or perhaps a marriage.

Even for those who have been in plenty of relationships, or perhaps a handful of very serious ones only, the idea of whether or not the person that you may or may not be interested in, in a relationship in, or married to, is the one.

While I am no expert at love, let along relationships or marriages, I am aware of what a budding, beautiful and healthy relationship looks like. Admist your overworking brain constantly wondering what your marital status will be and/or who you marital partner may be, do not forget to live in the present and try to grasp every opportunity for a healthy, strong, and motivating relationship with someone, even if you do not end up dating. Even if things end up being extremely casual, do not pass up every opportunity, as a result of closing yourself off by assumming that this person is not “THE ONE.”

The complicated part about finding “THE ONE” is that it does in fact require individuals to kiss many frogs, in order to accumulate the values, beliefs, and morals that you would like to uphold within a relationship. There is no need to make a list of createria of the exact traits that an individual must possess in order for you to even consider breathing next to them, however, having a generalized idea of the kind of individual you are looking for can assist you in avoiding those individuals that may not end up being exactly what you are looking for. Finding the “perfect person,” while there is no “perfect person,” requires a lot of experimentation, just like mastering baking a cake takes a lot of experimentation and practice.

The idea of the “perfect one” is unique to each and every person, as not one person is looking for an individual with all the same qualities as another. We all have our unique tastes, our unique personalities, our unique preferences, etc. While individuals can have similar taste in what they are looking for in their significant other, not one will ever have the same exact taste in individuals as you. This makes the dating, or marriage, world extremely incredible, as well as incredibly difficult to manage to find someone who can so carefully understand you, love you, accept you, and want the best for you.

A sidebar: a “perfect person” will not always do perfect things, however, what makes them perfect, or “THE ONE,” is that person being able to manuever, balance, push, argue, celebrate, love, and show care towards your entire being. Not every tactic this person may use, or not every facet of their personality or their existence, will ever be perfect. This is something that we all need to understand. However, when you find “THE ONE,” and I am sure you will know it, you will realize that their perfection comes from the ability to manuever past the imperfections, without growing exceedingly hateful or spiteful towards each other. This kind of manuevering and relationship dynamic requires strong building blocks, as well as a deep understanding of not only their significant other, but themselves. While you may share a fairly similar world, in a relationship, both parties should have their own seperate existence, without becoming co-dependent on eachother. Relationships often go awry when couples begin merging every aspect and facet of their world around each other, completely neglecting themselves and losing touch with their own identity. Boundaries, honesty, self-love, kindness, humor, and compassion are some of the many features that are essential for a budding, fufilling and happy marriage and/or relationship.

While these questions have begun haunting my mind, soul, and body, I have come to terms with the fact that instead of constantly looking around for “THE ONE,” I need to prioritize looking for “ME.” While I am looking for me and living for me, I am learning to be more in-tune with my true-self. With that said, every relationship begins with yourself. Jumping into a relationship, especially if it is serious, when you are truly unhappy, unsure of yourself, and lack an identity, will end up in turmoil. So, while you may be single and ready for a pringle, or perhaps a Jared diamond ring, spend time getting to know yourself and finding happiness within yourself, because if you spend your entire lifetime searching for someone to make you happy and to tie the knot with and you die unmarried, then you will have died unhappy. Instead of chasing the idea of marriage, let the idea of marriage come to you.
Do not just meet an average guy, who may bring you average happiness, who understands you on an average love, but does not truly make you happy, comfortable, excited, and full of butterflies. Instead, keep your standards high, because you do NOT want to be spending your life with someone who ends up making you miserable, or just does not make you happy. You do not want to spend the rest of your life thinking about how much better your life could have been if you had not married your “average spouse,” nor do you want to spend your life regretting the decision you made in haste in order to fufill a societal timeline, or societal pressures.
Marriage requires patience and the experience is not for everyone, but keeping an open mind is always a good idea, because you never know when you can be swept off your feet.

ALSO, STOP PLANNING OR FOCUSING SO MUCH TIME FINDING YOUR NEXT SIGNIFICANT OTHER, OR A SPOUSE. The most natural, strong, and fruitful relationships and marriages that I have witnessed occurred out of the blue, as you should not try to control an aspect of your life that really should be left up to fate. In addition to this, making a lifelong commitment to someone is no joke, AS IT IS A LIFELONG COMMITMENT and NOT A TEMPORARY ONE. Do not rush the process, but feel free to ponder it.

This applies to relationships, as well, whether they are serious or casual. Do not rush into anything that you do not think you are ready for, but also do not hold yourself back by not attempting to make an effort. While a failed relationship hurts, not ever giving it a shot would hurt the most. The pain of a failed relationship sticks for a while, but without that relationship, all the good memories (and, there are always amazing memories) would have never existed.

Relationships, and therefore marriage, are both complex matters, involving the subject matter of love. I may not be an expert at intimacy, however, I am learning and growing. With that said, I am also learning to be patient with myself and realize that not being in a relationship does not make me any less of a person, nor does it make me any less happy than a married individual. With time, I believe that the right people will come along, and I hope that I can find the courage to not hold myself back for fear of truly investing time, emotion, and energy towards an individual, who MAY NOT BE “THE ONE.” How would I know if I do not give it a chance? Life is all about learning and taking chances, so take a leap of faith and try something new.

For those who are in a rush to get married for all the right reasons, I am so happy for you and that you were able to find your “FOREVER PERSON.” That is truly an incredible feat and I am so happy that you are able to spend the life doing what you love, WITH THE PERSON THAT YOU LOVE AND WHO LOVES YOU RIGHT BACK.

FOR ALL YOU SINGLE HUMANS OUT THERE, STAY PATIENT, STAY LOVING, STAY YOURSELF, STAY BEAUTIFUL, STAY SMILING, AND STAY BREATHING BECAUSE THERE IS A LOT MORE TO LIVE FOR OTHER THAN FINDING YOUR FUTURE “FOREVER MATE.”

If you need any consolation about whether or not you will be spoused up before you die, just look yourself in the mirror and ask, “mirror, mirror, on the wall, will I ever have a spouse at all?”

Do not worry – the mirror will not respond to you. But, your reflection will be staring right back at you.

Wondering where I am going with this? Your reflection, which is yourself, if all else fails, will be the one you marry.

Stop fooling yourselves into thinking your single, when in fact, you are dating yourself since you were a baby. As a result, it is only natural to marry yourself. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS YOU BEST AND WHO HAS KNOWN YOU THE LONGEST.

So, if you are feeling like not taking a risk, try just marrying yourself.

I will not judge you.

I like me, too.

And, may plan on marrying myself…

With that said, with marriage being such a influential aspect of human life, do not stop getting wed, humans!
You know why? Because, weddings are more fun than the party in Project X.

While the consumation of marriage is a beautiful thing, the after-party is definitely the more beautiful aspect of marriage.

xo,

Aichan Tewahade


P.S. Do not worry, I understand how exciting the idea of marriage is, especially spending a lifetime with a person that is the light at the end of your tunnel, that compliments your existence, that brings you life, that understands you, and that you can spend every waking moment with making memories with. The best part? You get to live your life with your partner in crime, who you know nothing can tear you away from, because they are just that incredible to you. THIS IS VERY EXCITING AND LOVE IS VERY EXCITING. But, give it time, give it love, and give yourself some love too ♥

Also, never forget that while the idea of dying without ever getting married before you die, even if you so badly wished to be married, does not mean that you will die alone, unhappy, and without experiencing someone loving you to the core. Best friends and family will always love you unconditionally and that is something that you should never forget. Even better? Love yourself right back, then you will never go an entire lifetime without ever feeling the reciprocation of love.
Loving yourself right back to your core is the greatest gift of love that you can give yourself, as well as to others.

Love, while it is a tricky thing, is a very powerful force in our universe. Sometimes, “THE ONE,” (YES, THE “PERFECT ONE”) may not end up being the one you end up marrying, or once again, you may just die without ever having been wedlocked. Understand that marriage, or at least a happy, healthy, and strong marriage, is a very difficult concept and act to be apart of. It should be taken very seriously.
Marriage requires more than the fundamental of “love,” because sometimes, two people who may be completely and utterly in-love with eachother and who want the best for each other, may not end up working out for the long-term. This does not mean that the love was not ever present, or that this relationship was a waste of your time. You may never fall out of love from this person, because this person may have truly been the person that you could truly see yourself settling down with for an entire lifetime.
For some reason, while the love was there, and honestly, it seemed like everything was there, some relationships just do not work out for the long-run. Those are the heartbreaking ones and the ones that truly wreck your world, because it almost seemed like nothing was missing, or the relationship felt completely effortless.


With that said, do not ever give up on love. Not just relationships, marriages, or flings, but the act, idea, and power of love. While love some times tears people apart, love has the power to bring so many individuals together and is the binding force of individuals universally. Love does make you do some crazy things and that is something that every soul should appreciate. These acts, fueled by the intentions of love, are contagious, and of course, extremely powerful.

Live your life following the love brick road, not the yellow brick road. You may never know, you may even end up in Kansas.
That would make life too easy for us, which would be no fun.

According to the word on the street, love can be found in only the strangest of places, so chances are you will probably not find your “perfect love,” or “forever love,” or your future spouse, in a very obvious place. This will require you to do some exploring, some adventuring, some digging, some traveling, or for those of you who are a little freaky, a little stalking.

Let the love come to you, unless you are exceptionally talented in seeking for love which is hiding in the strangest of places. If this is truly one of your skills, then I suppose seek for love in all the strangest of places, but love is not an easy one to find. I will warn you of that! She blends into the world better than a chammolione. All you camo freaks, forget it. Love wears Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak 24/7, 365 days, so love will not be in plain sight for you to find.

Since we have resolved that, focus on manifesting love and channeling it into your life. You may not find a spouse, but you may be ten steps closer to finding a lifelong partner.
(There are no statistical numerrals to back this claim up, so take it with a grain of salt).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s