Prank Calls From The Pretend IRS

I cut a deal with the IRS for my freedom, after being charged with three federal counts of federal tax income crimes. It was quite easy.

….Not really, but keep reading to find out more.

Absurd.

It begun just another really dope, somewhat normal day. I woke up ambituous and ready to face, address, and accept the road blocks that are presented right before me.

While my attitude was excellent and my initiative to face the unavoidable hurdles that is my life was out of this world. I was even very proud and astonished by my will to take action and make things happen.

This day was the perfect day, until all my efforts while I was being productive were seemingly wasted, when one thing did not go the way that I expected it to. The specific event involved searching for a new living space, as my lease for my current studio apartment becomes null in August. This apartment seemingly met all my criteria and was in a location that I loved. I was already to sign the lease before seeing the apartment unit. My heart was quickly broken when I was informed that all the apartment had already been leased.

Now, do not worry. This first hiccup in my day caused an all natural domino effect, resulting in many things going the exact opposite way than I had imagined, intended and wanted.

Exhausted from hearing the word “no,” I silently slumped over my bed uncomfortably and began staring at my white walls.

White walls can only entertain for so long until you remember that you have a cellphone, which I frequently leave on “do not disturb” mode, as I do not like being disturbed.

To my dismay, I discover that I missed a call from an unknown number. While I usually never call people back, let along call unknown numbers back, I figured that I was bored enough, so why not give it a chance.

The call went straight to voicemail. Whatever.

Oh wait, my iPhone was just lagging and this unknown number left me a voicemail. “Sweet! I wonder what this voicemail is going to say,” I think to myself.

…………………………………………………………..Please, prepare yourself for the greatest story of your life.

I quickly press the play button, as I am curious to listen to this voicemail. The first .001 seconds of the voicemail was lovely until I hear that the United States Treasury is calling me. I replay the beginning about 70 times to make sure what I was hearing was real.

Okay, so after getting past the fact that the government is reaching out to me, the voicemail continues to inform me that, “I must call back immediately, as the IRS is filing three counts of criminal tax charges against me.”

Hold the phone.
Oh wait, I am…

“After ignoring our last few attempts to reach out to you, this is your final warning to call us back before we file a warrant out for your arrest. Do not miss your upcoming court date next week.”
In this very moment, while tax fraud does not sound like me, ignoring their attempts to reach out to me sounds like something that I would do. However, I never was informed about a court date.

I am very confused, nervous, scared, and not sure what to do.

I am weak and decide to call back.

A man named Pete, who supposedly worked for the IRS, gave me my case number and explained my circumstances and all the criminal actions that I had unknowningly engaged in. Honestly, out of all the government organizations, the IRS was the LAST government agency that I thought I would be having problems with.

This conversation with Pete was the most stressful and jaw-dropping phone conversation that I had ever engaged in.

Let me be the first one to know that I know nothing about taxes – literally, nothing. I am not being sarcastic. I did mention this to Pete, as he explained all my tax manipulating errors that I had made. Immediately, I tell Pete, “I should not have even filed my taxes like I was planning to.”

Pete, who I later come to discover works for a hoax company, would not stop accusing me of manipulating my tax return from 2017. I began getting heated, as I could not stop explaining to Pete that my tax return last year was $0, so there was no way that I could have manipulated the system.

The number of times I explained to Pete that not only did I not know anything about taxes, but that I barely could understand Turbo Tax was ridiculous.

His accusations were firm, as I asked for a timeline of my actions, in which I may have unconsciously manipulated many calculations in my tax return, in order to get more money. Many of these false charges were beyond me, as I did not understand what the crime even was, or how to perform it. With every criminal charge against me, I had to ask Pete for an example of that crime, so I could better understand what was going on.

The timeline of my illegal activities was necessary, since I had never committed them.

As the conversation became a full-blown argument, Pete pulled out his big boy toys, stating that if I did not pay the oustanding balance of $2,999 that I would be spending 48 hours in prison until I was sentenced.

HOLD THE PHONE, AGAIN.

I sat in silence, jaw hanging to my toes. I COULD NOT BELIEVE THE DAY THAT I WOULD BE GOING TO JAIL WOULD BE OVER TAX FRAUD THAT I DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW TO COMMIT. Let along, the fact that they never warned me prior to this phone call that I would be in jail if I could not pay that balance in full.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen….Pete made me sob, like Kim Kardashian cry face and snot running down my face.

Now, you all may be wondering how I did not pick up on any of these red flags that this phone call was just a sham, but gullible is written on the ceiling and on my soul.

I begin complaining that I cannot go to jail, because I would be fired from my job, etc.

Then, I began asking the real questions, as if I had accepted the fact that I am guilty to false claims of tax fraud.
“So, wait. Does this mean that this will literally ruin my life? Like, I know I will be breathing and living life, but will this stick on my record and ruin all future opportunities?”

“How could I committ these crimes without knowing it? I do not even know anything about taxes, other than you have to use Turbo Tax to file them.”

“I do not know what taxes even are really. I know they go towards the government.”

“So, what exactly did I get caught doing?”

“How did I now know that there was a warrant out for my arrest?”

“I hate Turbo Tax.”

Pete, who probably began running out of material, states to me that our phone conversation is being recorded, so I need to be careful with what I am saying. He also requests that I give him five minutes of my time, in which I must spend it listening to him attentively describe the nature of these fraudulent crimes that I did not commit.

“I am shook.” I stated, all while sobbing. I begin to lose all ability to form sentences, as I am completely dumbfounded. I truly could not believe that this was how I was going down.

Pete has nerve, as he continuously repeats, “calm down,” at me every five seconds.

“Calm down,” he keeps repeating.

Gentlemen, it is very common knowledge that you just simply do not tell a woman to “calm down.” This will only provoke the female.

I held back every insulting word that I could call him, only saying witchy things about him under my breath.
Finally, after requesting that I calm down for the seventieth time, I explain to him, “No, I will not calm down. How can you be calm when you never knew the IRS was charging me three federal crimes, and you only just find out through a voicemail that the IRS is wishing to sue you?”

Instead of having social etiquette, Pete continues to fuel the firecracker within me by speaking provoking phrases, such as, “I do not believe you. You are not allowed to lie. If I find out that you are lying, you will regret it. I do not believe that you have good intentions.”

Don’t worry, guys…I am still dumbfounded. Also, are you kidding me? The only person’s intentions that are not pure are his.
Right back at you, partner.

Now, this phone game went on for about an hour, as I continued to state my case about how it was simply impossible for me to have committed tax fraud and not know that the IRS has been searching for me since November 2017.

I was simply not backing down, but not on purpose. I was simply confused.

Even Pete realized that this conversation was going nowhere, so he tried to offer me a fairly cheap price for my freedom for three federal offenses. Man, $2,999 is a steal for freedom, except I am broke college student, who is drowning in debt.

Pete continues to explain to me that this could all go away, if only I just paid the amount in full. Pete was persistent. He asked a handful of times, in which my answer was the same – that I could not afford to pay that off. He even used intimidation tactics, explaining that the police would be at my door soon to take me into custody.
You see, what Pete did not understand was that no matter how intimidating the threats may have seemed, I could literally not even pay half of the amount that I owed. So, regardless of what happened to me, Pete was not going to get the money. I even explained that I could attempt to sell everything in my apartment, but that I still believed I could not pay off that amount.

Pete even began bargaining, slowly lowering the price for my freedom, which I already had. $1,000 became the new price for my freedom and a clean record.
This Pete thought he was really clever, but the joke was on him, because I do not even have $1,000 in my bank account.
“I wish I had $1,000 in my bank account,” I muttered under my breathe.

Pete was shocked at how poor I was, as he finally crosses every boundary known to man, asking me to disclose how much money I currently have under my name. He made sure to list that this total includes my savings account, my checking account, and any credit cards.

To Pete’s dismay and my own dismay, I had nothing short of $433.07 in my savings account, and an outstanding balance of -0.14 cents in my bank account.

This is when even Pete realized that not only did he just waste his own time with one of the most frustrating, annoying, and ridiculous person, but that all the time he spent trying to intimidate me was all for close to nothing.

Finally, after realizing that my money was barely going to get me anywhere, let along him, Pete asked me if I wanted his help to make this debt go away. He also mentions that he somehow has the power to make this all go away.

I finally decide to speak up, “No offense, Pete. But, of course I want help and I want this to go away.”

Do not worry, I still have not processed what has happened.
Tears and snot are running down my face, and my jaw is hanging lower than your chain.

Pete’s failed attempt at hitting the motherload of cash finally resulted in him “helping me out.”
He may have been annoyed of my voice, my crying, my complaining, my endless rants, my endless questions…we will never know.

The phone conversation ends with Pete reassuring me, in which he states, “Do not worry. You have nothing to worry about. I am going to make this all go away.”

Of course, I have to get the final word in, in which I state, “Do not worry, I will worry.”

And, that concludes the most jaw dropping phone conversation that ever came to be.

It was not until I spoke with my mother, post phone call, that she informs that I am in fact “so stupid.”

Why am I the stupid one?

OH YEAH, LET ME TELL YOU.

My mother taught me something very important today, which is that the IRS does not have anyone’s personal phone number. To make sure I knew how gullible I was, she stated, “Google exists, Aichan. Just Google their phone number…it’s just a random cell phone number from New York. This is a sham.”

Once again, I find myself dumbfounded.
That was the most incredible prank call ever.

The end.

The only lesson that can be learned here is that Pete is heartless, willing to put a 22-year-old emotional wreck to tears, just to get $2,999. The joke is ultimately on him, but also it is still on me.

Yup, the joke is still on me, simply because of the fact that I almost accepted the fact that though I did not commit the crime, you cannot argue with the government. The government is always right, right?

The best part is that Pete will never forget me, as I managed to try to barter and defend my honor and my lack of income, all while completely wasting his time. The poor guy did not even receive a penny out of me, only 50 minutes on the phone with me.

Just another average Thursday, right? Getting calls from unknown numbers, all while strangers are intentionally informing innocent victims, such as myself, that the IRS is seeking a warrant out for my arrest on the count of three federal tax crimes. All of which I did not commit.
What possesses people, specifically Pete, to make up such a startling and false accusation all for the love of money still continues to urk me. The more disturbing part was after the discovery of my low income Pete acted as if nothing happened. As if his loss of interest in my lack of money was not offensive enough, I am offended that he ruined a portion of my day by creating false, VERY SERIOUS news, claiming that I was a criminal and going to spending a good portion of my life in federal facility.
The saying may be “don’t kill the messanger,” but you are allowed to kill messangers, who deliver absurd, heinous, disturbing, FALSE news just in an attempt to get free money.

The mental distress Pete caused me was not acknowledged, just like the fact that he had completely made this all up just to get a sneak peak at my bleak bank account.

After finding out how broke I really was, it was incredible to me how my three federal charges seemed to disappear into thin air, as if it never happened. Because, maybe, quite possibly, they never did happen.

Pete never missed a beat, especially when he disclosed that the cops were on their way to come arrest me, put me in handcuffs, and take me into custody. But, alas, I will still be just as broke, even if the cops are on their way to bring me into custody for three federal tax offenses that I was accused of committing.

This is the most intricate lie that I have EVER heard. Pete is incredibly creative, that is for sure. I will never forget the day that I almost went to federal prison, because the IRS was charging me with three federal tax income charges that I did not commit. Oh, and I will definitely never forget Pete. I will also never forget the fact that I totally believed the lie, and despite my heart-wrenching, totally candid breakdown, in which I begged for mercy, I discovered that Pete was “one of those people,” who will literally do anything for money.

“Like, I am REALLY in trouble, huh?”

“So, I am really going into jail…wow…”

Sincerely,

Confused Falsely Accused Federal Tax Income Criminal

P.S. If I was ever to talk to Pete again, I would ask him if he has multiple heinous, intricate, life-ruining lies he uses to get money from people, or if he is a one-lie type of guy.

WTF THOUGH I AM STILL SO CONFUSED AND BAFFLED BECAUSE I REALLY BELIEVED PETE, EVEN THOUGH I KNEW I DID NOT COMMIT THESE CRIMINAL ACTS INVOLVING FEDERAL TAXES!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!
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Stay tuned to find out whether or not the IRS is still charging me for three federal tax return income crimes.

 

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