Wow, April…you sure flew by like a breeze. I began April on a somewhat shaky note, after enduring some tension with my older brother, who is also one of my best friends. My brother had been living with me for the last four months, as we began spending every waking moment together, in order to make up for lost time while we had been apart in college. While we had our disagreements and tussles, the beginning of April began feeling a little empty and lonely without his presence.
Without him by my side the last few months, I will willingly admit that many of the responsibilities, among many things would never have been completed. In addition, having him around forced me to do more challenging things than I ever thought I was willing to do. I gained so much while we were together, and sometimes, I forget how much fun it is to have a sibling to tussle with. While things did not work out with our living situation, good things did come out of the attempt at living with my brother. The list goes on, and it goes on. I am forever indebted to him and will forever love him.
You see, while I may write eloquently or appear to be easy-going, carefree, and completely confident, I am far from that. I am a very difficult person to live with, which is something I have learned after many failed attempts. In addition to this, being a close friend, or even an acquaintance, of mine is also a very difficult task – you can ask my parents about this one. Trust me, I am far from perfect. Dealing with me and my confusing, and often, overwhelming and misunderstood, energy requires a lot of time and patience that I sometimes do not even have. I have realized that I have inanimate emotional walls that are taller than the tallest skyscraper that I keep up in order to avoid revealing myself. I love relationships to be surface level, because then, no one sees the ugly, the weak, and the ridiculous. This is something that I often forget, as I begin forming new friendships with new people, often forgetting how incredibly difficult it is to get to know me on a deeper level, let along get me to hang out with you without flaking.
Most days in April were good…yes, they were good. I did my best not to complain and to push myself to get out of my routine. I have begun spending more time with my companions and attempting to be more adventurous and spontaneous, rather than attempting to be too synchronized and scheduled. I opened my heart to some opportunities that I was unsure of – actually, more than usual. Not every adventure was comfortable, or even successful, but I would not even have those memories, or even those feelings about those memories, if I had not attempted to expand my horizons.
The smooth ride of April has had a few speed bumps, as we approach May. The month of May has already begun frightening me, as I have to brace myself for more change than I even intended for. I have very good friends who are finishing their undergraduate degrees and moving on, I have to face my own obstacles regarding my own undergraduate degrees, I have to face my best friend and my most consistent friend throughout my collegiate years, Leslie Fox, leaving Boulder, Colorado, and I need to face the unknown.
Deep down, I know things will be okay. I will be okay. I even know my friendships will be okay. But, my heart, mind and soul will hurt to adjust to all these changes.
These changes are motivating me to not get too comfortable, as I have been finding myself procrastinating future obstacles and not addressing them. Ignoring your problems will work until life forces you to face them without your consent. You see, there is often a deadline for everything in life. I have learned that the earlier you complete your mission prior to the deadline, the happier, the healthier, and the more enjoyable your life will be. With that said, this is easier said than done, as some days, we are prone to forgetting, we are defeated by outside forces, we have other obligations, or it is just not meant to be.
With so much change happening, mostly the departure of some very good companions, I have found that there has been much more time to clearly and carefully begin addressing everything that I have been setting aside for later. Less friends nearby means more time to focus solely on myself and be much less distracted. Or, that is what I keep telling myself. I know that there will be many days where my heart will be missing something that is just not in my reach.
Saying “good-bye” is extremely difficult for me, as I have a huge fear of abandonment problem and hate any form of change. I love consistency, especially within my friends, and I thoroughly enjoy when they are close in proximity. College has made it easy for me to access friends, companions, or in my case, my best friend within walking distance. I am able to access her so easily, and this has been the case the last five years. Leslie Fox may be the sole human being who can actually stand me in huge doses, as well as always being confused as roommates. Our friendship was not condoned by just about everyone we encountered, but I guess that is the reaction you receive when you have found a partner in crime so early in the game. I never really thought about our undergraduate journey coming to an end…or, I thought that our journey would come to an end together. Either way, I was not, and am not, ready for her to leave in three short weeks.
In three short weeks, I am going to have to make the biggest adjustment of my life, which will be living my life without MY PERSON. Call me “dramatic,” but after all that we have gone through, I am not sure what I am going to do without her by my side. Having a side-kick, or simply someone who just understands you, loves you, and accepts you, even when you are THE WORST, is a wonderful feeling that I truly hope everyone can experience. We have spent probably over one billion hours on her green couch. I almost consider that green couch a part of my family. I have slept on that green couch more than I have slept on my own bed.
It has been awkward for the both of us, as we have been fidgeting to try to find time to spend every waking minute together and attempt to adventure everywhere, before our reign over Boulder is over.
It will never truly be over in our hearts, as my memories with her are everlasting. To be honest, I just feel as though Boulder will just not be the same without her by my side. Even when we were fighting, I knew that if I truly needed her, she was only 1.2 miles away walking, or a seven minute drive. All my best decisions, I make with her. All my worst decisions. I make with her. All my decisions that I do not make, or are unsure of, I make with her.
Wow….that was almost a love letter to my main wifey. I am feeling a little bit emotional, but that is alright.
Enough with the emotional chatter now, and time for some motivation and some positive outlook.
Even if you end up being miles apart from your partner in crime, it does not mean that you will not have fun, or make new friends, as well. This is something I am keeping in mind. Instead of forcing friendships, however, I am going to let them come naturally.
As I have reached this point in my life, I have noticed that ALL MY GOOD FRIENDS ARE BUSY, LOST, STRESSED, STRUGGLING, CONFUSED, HAPPY, AND ARE DOING THEIR BEST TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT AND GET IT RIGHT. Nothing in life is guaranteed, as things can change in a blink of an eye. Not one person’s journey will be the same as another person’s journey. All I know is that NO ONE REALLY TRULY HAS ANY IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, WHAT THE FUTURE WILL HOLD, OR HOW TO GET “UNLOST.”
At the end of the day, life will never settle down, as life lives a very polyamorous lifestyle. It is very frustrating at times, but this is what allows for new opportunities to come your way and for new chapters in your life to begin. This is only if you allow yourself to do so. I have found that within your one life, you experience a multitude of various life phases that all differ from each other. Within a separate phase, you find yourself attempting new goals, surrounding yourself with different faces, and are often under different circumstances. As you transition through life, you are also transitioning into another separate phase of your existence.
It is ironic how everyone tells you that there is so much left in your life to look forward to when we all know how terrifying that sounds, because you do not know how much more change, opportunities, and experiences you can manage under your belt. Also, it is hard to imagine that you have so much to look forward to when you cannot see what you are supposed to be looking forward to right in front of you. So, what is exactly am I looking for? I do not think anyone knows, other than forward. Whoever forward is, they must be very pretty for everyone to be looking at it, or at least searching for it.
My year up until April has been pretty phenomenal as a whole, as I hate nitpicking at all the negative times. I know my life is good right now, because the positives constantly outweigh the negative events, emotions, and days that I have had. 2018 has also been one of the most unsynchronistic years that I have ever experienced, as it has been full of so many changes and adjustments.
April has allowed me to focus back on myself, while also allowing me to truly enjoy myself and spend as much time with my loved ones that I can. I have also learned to be much more patient with myself, as change does not happen overnight. The small steps that I am taking towards self-improvement may not seem monumental in the moment, but they result in benefits that will never stop revealing themselves. By learning to be much more patient and understanding with myself, I have finally got myself getting physically active again, after a long while of inactivity. While I am not hiking three times a week, I have begun taking the small steps to slowly but surely get there. In addition to this, I slowly but surely have been allowing myself to let my towering emotional walls down and have begun attempting to trust others. as well as beginning to trust myself and trust life. Trusting has been difficult, but not impossible, as inconsistency and changes often make me doubt everything. Lately, I have found myself just allowing myself to dive into the unknown, even if I do not trust it.
My brother once told me, “Don’t worry, not everyone in Boulder is out to get you.” While this seems silly, this is a great reminder for me, as I often always find myself on the defense. Sometimes, it does seem like the world is completely against you and it can be extremely difficult. It is times like these when you need to test yourself and push beyond your boundaries, by replacing your insecurities, doubts and voids with positive, strong and reinforcing habits that keep you in check. I am currently in the works of searching for new mechanisms and habits to engage in, in order to keep filling my heart, soul and existence with goodness.
Now, I could go on forever about this month of April, which was full of magic, happiness, drama, boredom, bad news, and everything in between. It is coming to an end, and I must say that I am proud of myself this month. I have come to realize that I cannot be perfect and I will slip up, even when I am trying to be my best, but that is okay. I have also realized that having fun, or engaging in some sinful behavior every once in a while, only makes me human. I am allowed to have fun, within limits, however, constantly beating myself up for following through with a premeditated party plan, does not make me a child, irresponsible, a drug addict, a partier, etc. These are all labels that I have let affect me, which even has led me to believe these horrible labels. These labels have haunted me and choosing to let them control me, or defining myself based off of an outside label that is not from a professional, is quite debilitating and completely toxic. As human beings, we cannot help but make a bad decision, or seven, because WE ARE HUMANS. Also, there truly is no RIGHT answer in life, as life is an experience full of every hue, shade and tone that has ever existed. What may be considered right to one person may be something that another person considers wrong. So, it is our duty to decide, or rather, set boundaries, in regards to being reckless.
Every month that has gone by this year has continued to only get exponentially better and better, as I have found some real computability in enough facets of my life that I have found ways to relax. I am continuing to experiment with life, if that makes sense. By experimenting, I do not mean that I am a scientist, but I do mean that I am attempting to work IN ACCORDANCE WITH LIFE, similar to a partnership, in order to LIVE MY BEST LIFE. I am finding hobbies, coping mechanism skills, behaviors, etc. that are working and that are beneficial, and I am also finding hobbies, coping mechanism skills, and behaviors, etc. that are not working for me and are only negatively affecting me. With that said, after one negative experience, or a few negative experiences, instead of coldly turning a blind eye to the idea completely, I have found myself giving that experience another go. I believe the saying goes, “practice makes perfect.” With enough persistence, practice, and patience, any experience can truly become a phenomenal one.
‘Nuff said – I am interested to see how my reflections for the month of May will read, but I am willing to attempt to make it great, even if it hurts a little, scares me a little, or sucks all around.
I am ready, or not, so here I come!
P.S. Thank you for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts on the month of April in the comments below, including “the highs” and “the lows.” Keep a smile on your face and never lose hope! Fight for your life, but do not end up fighting life 💕
Hope you all had a wonderful month of April! You deserve it.